Love is a Marathon, Not a Sprint

I know what you're thinking...I am missing running SO much that it is now flooding my thought process completely. I am using some weak attempt to tie together dating and running.  Perhaps, but hear me out.

As a society, we tend to get wrapped up in the end result.  Which makes sense as we are measured in so many ways by results - at work, we have goals and most of us try to achieve them.  In running, we set a goal and then train to meet or exceed even it.  In short, we decide (or someone decides for us) that we want something and the expectation of results is created.

Usually there is a timeline but most of us want things now.  The 40 yard dash version, not the marathon version.  Now go outside and run a 40 yard dash and then tomorrow go outside and run a marathon - tell me how you feel at the end of each of them.  The dash is exhilarating, fun, gets your blood pumping and makes you feel great! Sure, you push yourself but you know you can get through it without working too hard. Tell me you feel the same about the marathon and I will call you a liar or you have a shot at the Olympics. It takes month of work - building up slowly, getting through rough patches where your body and mind are completely beat down and then the anticipation building up to the big day.  Not to mention the nerves the night before - the uncertainty of what lies ahead.  And the hard work pays off but not without even more WORK.  But in the end, it's totally worth it. It's this crazy emotional, physical, awesome journey that makes you feel incredible.  You realize all the work was totally worth it the second you hear your name called and your chip beep for the last time as you cross the finish line.  You swagger over to get your medal and water (or beer) to celebrate. The feeling is like non-other.  It's love. Your 40 yard dash was lust.

True love doesn't happen over night. It isn't made with a kiss or a diamond.  Or happen instantly after some really amazing event or major hurdle (the plot of most every rom-com).  It takes work and sacrifice and communication and all kinds of things that sound about as fun as training for four months for a marathon.  But somehow it's what we all crave and in the end it's totally worth it.

happily,
kim

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not...

You remember the game! You pull each petal off of a flower (ok, I think I might have used weeds but that actually just shows the quality of boys I surrounded myself with or where I spent my time) and alternate each pluck with "he loves me" and "he loves me not". The fundamental problem with this game is the mindset it puts you in.  You automatically rule your own emotions out.  Your focus should be on how you feel about him.  Think about it - that's the only thing you can control and clearly you know that or you wouldn't be playing these silly games.  Ok, I have fast forwarded a decade or two to adulthood.  We may not pick the petals off of our $7 Farmer's Market Daisies but perhaps even worse we harp on it.  Asking our friends over $12 martinis and mulling around the house reliving every last conversation and action. Looking for a sign of how he really feels. 

What should you be doing?  A) living your life, I am fairly certain you have way more important shit to get done today.  B) Determining how you feel about him.  Are you totally yourself when you're with him? Does he make you laugh? Does he make you a priority? Do you see yourself wanting to take trips together? Is there potential past 2am? Do you even want to stay up until 2am with him? Figuring out the basics of what you want and how YOU feel.

Now I am a fairly confident person and I would be lying if I said I hadn't caught myself doing this before (Ok, maybe recently. Damn, my need for over-sharing.).  It's easy to get excited and then start to worry you will be let down or worse have your heart broken. But I promise you, the most important person in your life is you and if you don't figure out what makes you happy then no one else will either.  So just chill the hell out, figure out how you feel and I promise you that your confidence will shine through and suddenly the last worry on your mind will be how he feels about you.

happily,

kim

What The Marines Taught Me About Love...

Now I know where your minds are headed right now but steer back on course...I was actually in the Marine Corps (not working my way through a Fighter Squadron).  This is my own littler version of "All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten" but with regards to love and relationships and I guess I learned these lessons a few years later. I'm here to tell you that what I learned in the Marines, has made me a better partner.

There were three words drilled into your head from day one, "Honor, Courage & Commitment".  The Marine Corps' Core Values.  It might seem trite to compare creating a warrior to creating a good partner but think about it...you want someone that will have your back, that you can trust without question and that you have a bond that never falters.  Right?

So let's take a closer look...

Honor - never lie, cheat or steal or tolerate those who do. To have respect for others.

Courage - mental, moral and physical strength. What gives you the strength to do what is right.

Commitment - the spirit of dedication and determination.  It's what binds us together.

So if you looked at your significant other like a Marine looked at his "job" I think we might all be better off for it.  Putting them before yourself, never compromising what is right and being fully committed to the relationship. It's really quite simple!

Now how do we get there? Bootcamp for love to follow - stay tuned!!! Everything from "making your rack" to "PT'ing" every morning.

happily,
kim

Unattached on Valentine's Day?

The BIG day is fast approaching and I know anxiety can run high.  New couples are wondering how big of a deal to make of it.  Veteran couples are wondering how to make this year stand out from year's past. But singles are either one of two things 1) glad to not have to deal with the drama or 2) painfully aware of their status.  The truth of it is though, it's just a Hallmark holiday.  And although I love the pink & red heart decor that comes with the big day (not to mention the candy) it really is just another day.  I would think of it like this - if you are in a relationship use it to celebrate that fact.

If you are "unattached" don't sweat it.  And remember it's on a Monday so you could blow it off all together. However, if the idea of going home to Spot and watching The Bachelor makes you want to pour rubbing alcohol in your eyes. Then get moving! Hit the gym after work, go for a run, meet a friend for tennis or golf. Go out for happy hour with friends or even dinner but skip the romantic restaurants. Whatever you do remember:
1) Look your best
2) Be bubbly, friendly and outgoing
3) Don't get sloshed and cry about all of your failed relationships
4) Flirt with strangers
5) Have a good time

A more active approach -

Run a 10k - The Valentine's Day 10k on Coronado is an inaugural event but I'm positive with 1500 runners an after party at McP's Irish Pub and your's truly as a sponsor it will most certainly be a success.  They say natural rush of endorphins is a sure way to attract a mate and wouldn't you want to meet someone who is active?

Volunteer - giving back always makes you feel better, boosting your confidence and thus making you more attractive. And what's better than delivering flowers and making other people's Valentine's Days special?
http://www.volunteersandiego.org/HOC__Volunteer_Opportunity_Details_Page?startURL=HOC__Volunteer_Opportunity_Details_Page%3FId=a0CA0000007zeSHMAYA@A&id=a0CA0000007zeSHMAY

Oh and give your friend or your mom a Valentine.  It just makes you feel good :)

Happy Valentine's Day!
Kim

Like bath water for sex...

"Like water for chocolate" is not only a famous movie and novel but also a saying that is sometimes used in Spanish-speaking cultures to describe passion - sexual or anger. The saying derived from using water vice milk to make hot chocolate - when the boiling water hits the chocolate it melts.

Where am I going with this? Other than just loving the phrase I created a spin-off geared towards relationships. I have to give my friend Colleen credit for coining the analogy though...she said to me the other day, getting back together with an ex is like bath water. You remember the bubbles, hot, steamy water and how wonderful and relaxed you were. You remember your muscles loosening and all your worries melting away. You felt clean and refreshed when you stepped out of the tub. Later you might long for that feeling again and go back. Only to find that the bubbles have turned into soap scum on the side of the tub and the water is is cold and uninviting. Like bath water for sex, you go back and it's already gone.    

When you break-up there are things you will miss - reading the Sunday paper together on the deck, having someone for your other season ticket, that person who gets your sense of humor or watches the same shows.  The hot passion and amazing sex. What you rarely think about in these moments is what was wrong, what didn't work, the soap scum on your tub.

If you are thinking of going back, you have to ask yourself, "has what was broken been fixed?". If the answer is no, then think "like bath water for sex".

LoveHappensHere on the Food Network - NEXT THURSDAY NIGHT!

For those of you that know me you might be laughing out loud at the fact that I would appear on the Food Network.  Believe me in the interview for the role I left out my lack of cooking abilities! I mean I recently realized that my oven doesn't turn on and have made zero attempts to fix! But when it comes to love and introductions we are back in my court or a more suiting analogy for the occasion - my soufflé comes out perfect every time.

Next week on the season premier of the Food Network's newest show Family Style, LoveHappensHere will host a speed dating event to try to help Jimmy find love and well...Joey wants to help his sister find love as well!  Joey serves up aphrodisiac appetizers and Melissa concocts a special sexy cocktail while we facilitate a night of introductions.

It's a night of fun not to be missed!!!
happily,
kim

Details of "Big Date" - 10:30pm ET/PT (OR 7:30pm PST if you have Food Network HD)
Business is slow at Tommy V's so Melissa and Joey Maggiore set up a speed-dating event to attract a young, hip clientele. Joey hopes the event will help his shy cousin Jimmy get lucky with the ladies. And, always the prankster, he secretly signs Melissa up for the event as well.

Mr or Miss Manners...

Being from Virginia I feel it my southernly duty to ensure that my clients, friends and yes, I am on my best behavior.  Offering guests something to drink when they visit. Saying please and thank you. Chewing with my mouth shut. Politely eating my food.  Now I am the first to admit after a long run or two many hours without food I might be guilty of shoveling my food in like it's the last supper.  However, this behavior is NEVER acceptable on a date.
A few nights ago my girlfriend, Denise, and I were having dinner at one of our favorite East Village spots, Cafe Chloe, when we noticed a couple sitting next to us.  Of course, I was nosey wondering if this was a first date and how it would go! I noticed that the gentleman ordered an appetizer for himself and then I noticed that he was shoving giant pieces of bread in his mouth with reckless abandon. Talking with his mouthful and never once offered her a bite.  She demurely sipped her wine and chatted away.  Could this really be happening? Denise and I were floored, appalled, even! I looked away because we were bordering on being rude ourselves.
Two days later Denise & I were in our elevator and the culprit got it - with take out. My thoughts exactly...you should eat at home :)

happily,
kim

Flipping the Switch

Ladies this one is for you...it's about the transition from work to play.  I know many of us like to think that our same drive and passion that makes us successful professionals will make us successful in all areas of our lives.  This simply is not the case. The same tactics that make you a leader in the boardroom will not make you a leader in the bedroom for lack of a softer way of putting it.  I know your ambitious and have had to make it in a "man's world" - many of us own our companies, are successful attorneys, doctors, busy executives or any number of occupations that are not considered "traditional women's careers". But the fact of the matter is, unless you would like to date/marry a "beta man" you will have to learn to "flip the switch".  Now before I go any further there is NOTHING wrong with a beta man - typically the issue is they are not the men you are attracted to. And therefore you end up annoyed that the men you are attracting you are attracted to and vice versa. Now before I go any farther I am NOT suggesting you change who you are. I am simply suggesting that you tap into your softer side. Most of us - myself included - want the guy to be the guy.  So we need to allow him to be.  My suggestion is to figure out what relaxes you.  My best friend used to come home from work (she's a helicopter pilot in the Navy) and spend 20 minutes doing nothing. She watches Friends or flipping through a magazine until she was back to "normal".  I usually take my dog for a walk or go for a run.  I need the outside air to clear my head and hit the "reset" button.  You have to figure out what takes you back to that feminine place, your softer side, and make the time to do it.


The girl that wants to cuddle up on the sofa or hold hands walking on the beach.  I always recommend that people take a break in-between an after work date.  Maybe even meet a girlfriend for happy hour (ONE drink limit though) before heading out on a date. Decompress and become fun, flirty you again.  I also never recommend lunch dates - most of us will be tempted to answer our phones or check our blackberries.  You just won't be able to completely turn work "off".  Remember guys don't want to date their buddies or business partners. They want to date that fun, sexy girl that makes them feel like a million bucks! So make sure you are the best version of her!
happily,
kim

San Diego Weekend Guide - June 11, 2010

Just a few ideas to get out & meet new people in San Diego this weekend!

1) World Cup Coverage - Ladies hit a local pub & meet some sports minded, fun local guys - just remember not to start chatting them up during close matches or better yet - wait for a commercial!

2) The 30th Annual Firefighter Chili Cook-Off Padres Tailgate Party - Saturday from 12 - 4 - come support the MDA, eat some great food, have a few beers, meet new people AND it comes with a ticket to the Padres game!

3) Lucky 7 Match has a Singles Bowling Event at East Village Tavern & Bowl on Saturday at 5:00pm

4) NBA Finals - Sunday at 5:00pm head back to your local pub (ladies) for game 5.  Same rules apply here though!

Whatever you do - have fun & chat with someone new!

happily,
kim

No Standing in the Corner

I understand the hesitation, I understand the stress of it all - you are putting yourself out there, getting yourself out of the door. Hello, Universe, I'm ready to meet someone! But I'm here to tell you that's only half the battle.  I know you are thinking to yourself, you told me to "get out there" & I will meet someone.  Yes, this is the first step! Congratulate yourself! Now smile, shoulders back, your arms to your sides or hold a drink - keep yourself open & approachable. The next temptation will be to talk to your friend that you came with all night but you already know him/her so venture out on your own.  Check out a painting on the wall, walk over to the bar by yourself, maybe even introduce yourself to someone new.  The next thought that crosses your mind, "there is no one here that I'm attracted to". Great! Then you won't be intimidated by them and can walk up and strike up a conversation! Compliments are a nice entry or comment on the venue, wine, food, etc. It is the perfect practice for when you ARE interested in someone!
You also never know:
1) Who else is coming & do you want people to talk about you as the rude girl/guy who wouldn't talk to their friend?
2) Who else that person might know? I know this is going to be hard to hear but maybe, he/she isn't interested in you either but they have a cousin, roommate, sister, co-worker, etc.  It's all about increasing your exposure. Word spreads - you might as well have it be good.
3) Now this one is for girls, not guys. Guys are more visual and if they aren't attracted to us initially our charming personalities are probably not going to win them over. However, girls, we tend to let guys grow on us.  If they are sweet, thoughtful or most likely funny we give them a chance.

At the end of the night, you should feel like you took full advantage of the event. Make your own fun - ensure you have a great time! Laugh, smile, flirt!!! At the very least, it will boost your confidence and make next time that much easier.
happily,
kim

Unattached? Enjoy Wine?

Join LoveHappensHere & 57 Degrees on May 26th at 6pm for a tasting of Ooh-La La wines & appetizers. RSVP to kim@lovehappenshere.com to reserve your spot now!  

happily, kim

Generally Speaking...

Generally speaking...

...you shouldn't curse on the first date & you definitely shouldn't drop the "F" bomb.
...the guy should pay on the first date, but the girl SHOULD do the "courtesy reach" (See Rachel Greenwald's Tips)
...you should keep your first date simple & brief...if you like each other there's always the second date :).
...the guy should set up the date ("whatever you want to do" is not acceptable) & make it geographically closer to his date than himself.
...you should go into every date with an optimistic attitude - you just never know!

happily,
kim

Girls Guide to Getting Sexy Back...

It's Friday night and you're tired, it's been a long week but you have to rally. You have plans with your girlfriends or that cute guy you met at the gym.  But how do you go from blah to fab?

Just a few ideas ...

1) Pop in to your stylist on the way home and have your hair blown out.
2) Stop by the make-up counter at Nordy's and have your make-up done - I'm thinking fierce eyelashes.
3) Matching sexy, lacy bra & panties before heading out to happy hour.
4) Dance around your house to your favorite song - preferably naked or at least in your matching bra & panties.

5) Have a glass of bubbly while you're getting ready (I prefer to combine 4 & 5).
6) Wear a long string of pearls & nothing else while you're getting ready.
7) I know this sounds silly but I like to do a few push-ups before going out in a sleeveless top - makes me feel like I have Madonna's pipes.
8) While on the subject - exercise boosts endorphins, which makes you feel good, which leads to sexy. I'm a big fan of sweating once a day.
9) If you decide to stay in, pour a bubble bath and a glass of wine. You will be ready to go out tomorrow night.

10) Combine the pearls, lacy bra & panties and stilettos, grab your glass of bubbly and dance your heart out.  If you aren't champagne girl, don't forget the Champagne of Beers...does basically the same trick.


Whatever you do - have fun & smile.  happily, kim

My Thoughts On Valentine's Day...

I’ve only ever had one date on Valentine’s Day – EVER. I know this is a random and probably pathetic sounding confession but it’s true. I share this with you to emphasize a point – it is just a Hallmark holiday. It really means nothing! Wouldn’t you rather experience unexpected romantic gestures all year long? A random love note, breakfast in bed, flowers “just because” or my personal favorite a walk on the beach at sunset? There is just so much pressure on that day! Men dread it because they worry they can’t live up to their girlfriends expectations. Single girls dread it because it highlights the fact that they are single once again. I wish I was exaggerating – I have had a ton of women call me already panicking about the big day. I am more than happy to help but the first word out of my mouth is “relax”. This isn’t a final exam that we can cram for in the next few weeks. Your passing grade = Prince Charming. Finding the right person for you will take work and time and it will be completely worth it, I promise.

As for my thoughts on the BIG day…If you are in a committed relationship and this is the one day a year that you are doing something romantic for your significant other we may have a larger issue at hand. Unexpected gestures of love, however large or small, keep the romance alive. To my fun single friends, get dolled up and go out! My favorite Valentine’s Day ritual is linking up with my girlfriends for happy hour at a local dive bar. Do you know how many FUN people we meet? And you can bet most of the people you will meet out that night are single as well.

Now, having said of this...I do LOVE flowers, chocolate, red & pink (especially together), hearts and girly, pretty things.  SO I will be celebrating that part of the holiday all week!

Happily,

Kim

Weekend Date Ideas for San Diego (January 28 - 31st)

I just thought I would share a few date ideas for the weekend!

• Thursday Night - Harry Connick, Jr will be at the Copley Symphony Hall.  What girl wouldn't melt for Harry?
• How about taking advantage of the rain we had last weekend?  Take a road trip to Big Bear Mountain and hit the slopes (or just the lodge!) and snuggle up by a fire in the evening.
• The sunsets have been amazing all week - take a walk on the beach or go for drinks and enjoy the view.  If you are feeling adventerous why not take a HOT AIR BALLOON RIDE?
• Then check out that new restaurant you missed last week because of the rain - Restaurant Week has been extended!
• Or to Cafe Sevilla for "The Art of Flamenco" (I don't care who you are, Flamenco dancing is just sexy!)

Now, I've made it easy for you by providing the links to every activity - do NOT wait for Valentine's Day to do something romantic!!!

happily,

kim

Wastes of Time

It sounds so harsh and hypocritical coming from me since I tend to tell people to go out with people outside of their "mold" and even to give it more than one date. However, I mean like a handful of dates to let the awkwardness die off a bit - not months or even years of wasted time.  We've all done it - held on to something because it was comfortable or we were too scared to start over. These are "better than nothing" relationships and they are time sucks.  Roadblocks to real relationships.
So then why do we do it?

• security
• we think it is all we can get
• or all we deserve
• or we are scared to date

What do these relationships do to us?

• chip away at our self esteem
• drain us emotionally
• keep us from meeting the right person

How do you know if you are in WOT relationship? You know.  I could create a list of questions for you to ponder over your morning coffee but if you are reading this and can relate to any portion.  You know and you know what you need to do.

Rip it off like a band-aid. 


happily,
kim

The Habitual First Dater...

Are you a habitual first dater? Two weeks ago on the season opener of The Bachelor, Jake Pavelka, claimed to be a habitual first dater. Now to me this indicates one of two things - you are doing something wrong on these dates or you are choosing the wrong people. Either way you are making mistakes and wasting your time. I have to admit this is my first season of watching this show and I am not entirely certain how long I will last but my guess is he is probably doing both. His judgment seems a bit off but I haven't really noticed that he is all that engaging, however, could be because he has a dozen beautiful women throwing themselves at him. At any rate, my point is this...sometimes it's back to the basics. I love lists so here we go:
1) Listen
2)Do NOT have an agenda...I mean this!!! Do not focus on getting a second date or getting the other person in the sack.  Your date will pick up on these vibes and be completely turned off. Just focus on relaxing and having a good time - a much better recipe for success!
3) MEN - plan and pay for the first date.  I do not want to expand on this, it should be a given.
4) WOMEN - offer to pay. Play the game.  ALSO - be attentive and affectionate.  Offer some feedback that he should ask you out again.
5) I am a big fan of the "mini" first date - coffee, drinks or even a beach cruiser ride. You can always ask to do another activity but backing out of something is much more difficult!

And remember...part of us is still that little kid on the playground, nervous and awkard and hoping the other one likes us.

happily,
kim

Your relationships are the heaviest component of your life...

I love romantic comedies, I know it's cheesy and probably to blame for most women's unrealistic relationship expectations but I am a sucker for a happy ending. They are like little mini-vacations from reality. I missed the reviews that stated Up in the Air was "romantic and real" or "hilarious and tragic".  I think I must have been blinded by images of George Clooney dancing in my head! This film is a delightfully funny look at a man who has isolated himself from any type of real intimacy (the title of this blog is his quote). My absolute favorite part of the film is when he (Ryan)  is having drinks with his colleague, who is a 23 year old woman (Natalie) who has just been dumped via text message and his multi-city fling, a 34 year old female version of him (Alex). Natalie is obviously distressed by the break up and goes into a small soliloquy about what her expectations were in her future husband - from brunette, to career to the fact that he will drive a 4Runner. I think she may have gone on for six minutes! Alex retorts with at this age I hope he has hair. I think I actually started crying I was laughing so hard. I can say I do remember the days when I had Prince Charming's list of characteristics clearly defined.  I do believe it's important to know what you are looking for in Mr. Right. I'm just of the mindset we can find a middle ground between 23 & 34...

happily,
kim

New Year’s Resolutions

I’m not a fan, never have been. Honestly, I think I have made one every year for as long as I can remember. Lose five pounds, get my MBA, qualify for the Boston Marathon, or get more involved in the community. I have to say the only one on that list that I haven’t accomplished yet (ok, I could probably lose five pounds this year too) is the MBA. But I didn’t accomplish any of them because they were a New Year’s resolution. It was because I set goals. I know you are thinking “Kim, semantics, please, they are the same thing.” I would argue they are not. When I set a goal I create a plan to achieve it, a deadline for achieving and have a known outcome. To me a resolution is a just a fluffy idea that floats out there but as soon as the hard work of reaching that goal sets in – it quickly drifts away.

Now why on earth is a matchmaker writing about goals and resolutions? Think about how you became successful. One NYE did you decide you would become an attorney/doctor/banker? My guess is no. My guess is you had a vision of what you wanted, set a goal and put a plan in place. Which brings me to meeting the love of your life – it’s the same approach. Are you getting home late from work, gym, board meetings, etc and plopping down on the sofa thinking to yourself I am tired of doing it all alone. I don’t want to bring in 2011 by myself – I want to meet someone. A client said to me the other day he wished he could order a pizza and the woman of his dreams would deliver it. She would just knock on his door and the search would be over. It’s the male equivalent to a knight in shining armor appearing – it’s not going to happen. You have to get out there and meet new people. You have to put yourself out there. You have to work at it. Or hire a matchmaker.



happily,

Kim

Holidaze

I read recently that "stress and intimacy are virtually incompatible". 

Happy Holidays! This is one of my favorite times of year - I love the lights, the parties, and the gifts! I tend to be able to keep my stress level relatively low.  However, it took me years to figure this out and I realize that I am the exception not the rule.  The stress of the places you need to be, all the gifts you need to buy and frankly we are not out of the woods yet of one of the worst economic meltdowns since the Great Depression. Money may be a little tighter than in years past. All of this can wear on you and how you interact with your significant other.  Just try to keep it light and remember the new year is around the corner! Try not to take it out on your partner and really try to remember the spirit of it all...and when in doubt pour some bubbly and know "this too shall pass."

happily,
kim