What's Love Got To Do With It

Yesterday was the first time I've been to church in YEARS, excluding Easter and Christmas which for some reason I don't really count.  When I lived in Encinitas I went to church nearly every Sunday.  Moved to East Village and suddenly I turned into some bar scene heathen.  I had the best of intentions to find a new church but six years later I realized I never checked that off my to-do list.  Why am I rambling on about church when my title CLEARLY has something to do with Tina Turner?!?!?!?

Because that was the subject of the sermon yesterday which I found oddly ironic and as a warm sign to my heart that this was where I was supposed to be.  On any given day "love" occupies a majority of my thoughts because it's my goal in life to help as many people as I can find it.  But lately and much more selfishly, it has been on my mind because I want to find it for myself.  Yes, maybe there is some truth to those who can't do, teach (as made evident by my math teacher girlfriend who sometimes screws up splitting the check or calculating days left until x-event happens).  However, I am not interested in some tragic story about a matchmaker who can't find love for herself. I want the happy ending as badly for myself as I do for my clients.  So as much as I was hoping for THE "Private Dancer" to come "rollin" through those chapel doors I was quite happy for a pastor who was celebrating 46 years of marriage to offer his advice and 1st Corinthians on Love.

I'm sure that even those of you who are not regulars at your local chapel, have attended a wedding or two that's recited 1 Corinthians 13.  I promise I will not attempt to be a pastor or become "preachy" but wanted to share what I learned I needed to work on in the hopes that it might help with your own path to finding love.

Patience - well I have none. I am ready damnit - I made up my mind and now would like for the stars to align and my future husband to please show up already.  I am pretty sure most can relate to being impatient. This will probably be a weakness I have to work on for the rest of my life.

Envy - this is a tough one to admit. I want what others have. I want someone to take care of me when I'm sick (or just had surgery). I want someone to go to the Farmer's Market with on Saturday morning. I want a running partner, a "plus 1" for all of the weddings I attend and mostly someone there for me to be my biggest fan. And I want to be all of these things and more for them.  The funny thing is I have all of these things - they are called, friends. But what is "envious" and difficult to admit is I want what my friends have. In order to love, I must let envy go.

And it will all be worth it because, "the greatest of these is love".

happily,
kim

So You Got Dumped...

That totally sucks.  Now get over it.  Move on.  Enough already.

Insensitive? Nope, just tough love. I've been there and know what you're going through. In fact, we've all been there.  I mean really, it only takes one time to get it right? So chances are you are going to get hurt in love...My goal is for you to learn from it, move on and finally meet the ONE.

It would be incredibly insensitive of me to end this without giving you my two cents, so here we go -

1) Stop putting your ex on a pedestal. He/She was NOT perfect and definitely not as wonderful as you thought or they wouldn't have left you.

2) Stop texting/emailing/Facebooking/calling/dropping by/happening to be in the same place at the same time.

3) Throw out the stuff that reminds you of them.  Take down the pictures. Stop torturing yourself. Being an emotional cutter isn't going to get you on the path to new love!

4) Get closure.  I think sometimes it's easier to say "we need a break" then "we need to break up".  But that's confusing.  It's like when Bentley left Ashley on the Bachelorette, he said this was "..." - he didn't mean that, he just wanted her to stop freaking crying. And, honestly, am not sure I blame him. I couldn't deal with all of that crying and I'm a crier.  Having said that, absolutely, NOT the right thing to do. If you know it's over just be honest.  You owe the other person that much.

5) Get out and do fun stuff!!! The best way to get your mind off it all is to keep yourself busy.  Go out with your friends, get back in the gym, join a new group - whatever gets you going and makes you happy. Go on a trip.  Just do it!

6) Think of all of the bad stuff. I have a hard time with this because I tend to focus on the good in people and for some reason, tend to take the blame for why relationships end.  If you really feel like you did something wrong, recognize it and don't do it in the next one. So remember, when you start to miss them just think of the crappy things he/she did.  You will realize how much better off you are.

7) Most importantly - You have to make yourself happy first.  You can't put the pressure on someone else to make you happy. It just won't work, you will be needy and dependent.  Once you are happy with you then you will be happy in love.

8) If you've been together for a long time or have gone from relationship to relationship maybe it's time to consider what I call "Cupid's Cleanse - 28 Days to a Healthier Heart".  A great way to hit the "reset" button on your love life and a hell of a lot better for you than cayenne pepper and lemon juice!  Email me at kim@lovehappenshere.com for a free copy of it.

happily,
kim

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not...

You remember the game! You pull each petal off of a flower (ok, I think I might have used weeds but that actually just shows the quality of boys I surrounded myself with or where I spent my time) and alternate each pluck with "he loves me" and "he loves me not". The fundamental problem with this game is the mindset it puts you in.  You automatically rule your own emotions out.  Your focus should be on how you feel about him.  Think about it - that's the only thing you can control and clearly you know that or you wouldn't be playing these silly games.  Ok, I have fast forwarded a decade or two to adulthood.  We may not pick the petals off of our $7 Farmer's Market Daisies but perhaps even worse we harp on it.  Asking our friends over $12 martinis and mulling around the house reliving every last conversation and action. Looking for a sign of how he really feels. 

What should you be doing?  A) living your life, I am fairly certain you have way more important shit to get done today.  B) Determining how you feel about him.  Are you totally yourself when you're with him? Does he make you laugh? Does he make you a priority? Do you see yourself wanting to take trips together? Is there potential past 2am? Do you even want to stay up until 2am with him? Figuring out the basics of what you want and how YOU feel.

Now I am a fairly confident person and I would be lying if I said I hadn't caught myself doing this before (Ok, maybe recently. Damn, my need for over-sharing.).  It's easy to get excited and then start to worry you will be let down or worse have your heart broken. But I promise you, the most important person in your life is you and if you don't figure out what makes you happy then no one else will either.  So just chill the hell out, figure out how you feel and I promise you that your confidence will shine through and suddenly the last worry on your mind will be how he feels about you.

happily,

kim

What The Marines Taught Me About Love...

Now I know where your minds are headed right now but steer back on course...I was actually in the Marine Corps (not working my way through a Fighter Squadron).  This is my own littler version of "All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten" but with regards to love and relationships and I guess I learned these lessons a few years later. I'm here to tell you that what I learned in the Marines, has made me a better partner.

There were three words drilled into your head from day one, "Honor, Courage & Commitment".  The Marine Corps' Core Values.  It might seem trite to compare creating a warrior to creating a good partner but think about it...you want someone that will have your back, that you can trust without question and that you have a bond that never falters.  Right?

So let's take a closer look...

Honor - never lie, cheat or steal or tolerate those who do. To have respect for others.

Courage - mental, moral and physical strength. What gives you the strength to do what is right.

Commitment - the spirit of dedication and determination.  It's what binds us together.

So if you looked at your significant other like a Marine looked at his "job" I think we might all be better off for it.  Putting them before yourself, never compromising what is right and being fully committed to the relationship. It's really quite simple!

Now how do we get there? Bootcamp for love to follow - stay tuned!!! Everything from "making your rack" to "PT'ing" every morning.

happily,
kim